So, here we go again. Been a long time since I had a blog like this, personal, abnormal, uncensored. On 2nd October this year, I was arrested by IRGC intelligence forces, accused of many things, from being a spy to insulting officials.
Long story short, I was imprisoned for three weeks and lost access to most of my accounts and stuff (laptops, phones, etc.). After 5 months of stress and complexities, my file got closed, and I’m a free man, partially and for now.
These past few months were tough for me, really tough. Believe me or not, being a hacker in Iran is dangerous on its own (because, well, they need you). I’ve made things worse by publicly opposing the Iranian regime and working against their Internet censorship projects. It was too late when I realized I was in trouble…
During these 5 months, while I was waiting to see if I was going to prison and for how long, I was thinking, about the past, how I got here, and where I am. My life is strange. I’ve tried to deny that fact and pretend to be normal for years, but it’s not. Diagnosed with some kind of psychosis (probably schizophrenia) at 14, living for 8 years while being in doubt if I actually have psychosis or if it’s simply MDD, having a severe problem with society, learning computer and cyber security on my own, facing Iranian intelligence services at 15, blah blah blah.
I concluded I fucked up. I’ve wasted my energy and time on things that I couldn’t fix (while I really wanted to); I’ve destroyed myself to be good, to be correct, so I had less time to be myself. Looking back to my not-so-short life, I was and am in love with science and computers. So the question is, what in the world can make me happy? How should I live? Being a full-time protester while the majority of my people even don’t care, or being a scientist, dedicating my life to what I love and where I can make a difference?
If you don’t live in Iran or some similar country in the middle east, you probably can’t understand these words, how I think, and why I see myself at this spot. It’s not your fault, nor I’m a lost soul asking unmeaningful questions. This is what the environment does to humans, and I’m a victim of my environment.
Something in me whispers in my ears; I don’t have much time. What is my legacy if I die today? Did I make a difference? So I’ve made a decision. I don’t know how much time I have, but for the remaining time, I will write. I will create more helpful content and record my ambiguous thoughts here…
If this whole post seems confusing to you, it’s because it is confusing. In fact, this entire blog will be confusing because I AM confused.
Don’t worry; I will post my “useful content” on my medium, so this mess will be kept far away from the regular stuff. I don’t think anybody reads this blog, but I will write and record because I need it…