I was right. My mental situation is worsening, on so many levels.
Until recently, I was known as a successful person. Well, most people didn’t know about my situation, but I also thought that I was a successful person after all. The problem is, I’m stuck in a loop of manipulation and abuse.
I realized that I’m lying to myself. I am ugly, my personality is messed up, but I lied to myself that at least I’m smart. Even if I am or was smart, does it matter? I am a human after all.
I can’t forget or unsee how people look at me, how they talk about me, how they consider me as a weak loser. Well, I am a loser. I’m tired, I waited for so many years (9?) with a hope of a change, with a hope of a break in the cycle. But it’s not happening, I’m just getting worse, I can’t even talk fluently in my native tongue on social occasions, I can’t resist my urge to harm myself, I can’t stop hating myself.
So many years of therapy and psychotic medicines. What now? For 8 fucking years I explained to therapists what happened to me, not a single one understood what the dark parts of the internet can do to a kid.
I fooled myself that at least I am creating a legacy, at least I’m respected in my field. But then the Iranian regime came and destroyed all of that, years of hard work, it’s now nothing. I’m not even remembered. I’m still getting nightmares about the prison, actually, it’s getting worse.
And all of those for absolutely nothing. What change did I make? How I helped my people? Most of them don’t give a fuck.
So I talked to people, close ones, and now I realized they are abusing and manipulating me too. I gave them my vulnerabilities to express how messed up I am, and they abused it.
I don’t want to kill myself, I won’t, it’s not how my mind works. I always look for a solution and most of the time I succeed. But now, I’m getting tired.
I feel like I’m stuck in the Christmas of 2013 (or 2014, I don’t remember), my eyes closed and seeing the snow that never came. Yes, for me, I’m still there, deep inside my dark soul, alone.
The cycle is not going anywhere, my hopes for a phase change are dimming.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I can rescue myself…