It’s almost one year since my last post on this blog.
I can’t believe it was just one year, it feels like many years to me, although nothing groundbreaking happened in my life.
Recently, I’ve made some progress in dealing with one of my oldest and worst mental disorders. While I’m trying to avoid being too excited or hopeful, it seems promising. IF my efforts are successful, my life may change in a very good way, we have to see.
But, this progress comes with a cost, or rather is a product of the mentioned cost. I became very upset about the society. It might be related to my new shiny disorder (OCD), but I refuse to believe the connection.
For years, I was obsessed with society and I still am, I really enjoy studying it and I’m in a very unique situation to study: The Iranian society.
It is an isolated, yet very rapidly changing society. What makes it unique is, that we’re isolated from the world to some extent because of the sanctions and the Iranian government, but this society is absorbing the global Internet culture more than any country in the region, and this makes a very unique and contradictory society. In that matter, I’m currently studying the new form of entertainment industry in Iran which is very interesting. It seems like we’re mimicking and adapting the western modern Internet form of the entertainment industry and the early results are very promising in one specific instance.
But societies in general disgust me, maybe because I was always alienated from it (and I still am). I think I mentioned it before, my relationship with society is a love-hate one. I really love them and I hate them. Maybe because I was raised as a textbook example of a good and obedient and moral child, only to find out in my adulthood that the standards that I strongly believe in have no place in the real world and not even in my own family; They just belong to books and the delusion of a perfect society. You can’t even imagine the effort needed to adapt your standards and mindset to the real world.
OK, I’m getting ahead of myself. In recent years, I’ve gained an audience in the Persian CyberSecurity and IT community. From the first day to this day, from time to time I hear that some notable people believe that I’m a low-quality imposter in the community who just walks and talks without knowing anything. It really hurts me since I never wanted to be considered as someone high-level. I wanted to be seen as a growing person who’s sharing his journey in knowing things.
Furthermore, in recent years I believe that I made huge progress and I find these words behind me really unfair. Believe me, I wake up every day and I mourn knowing too little. I know, I know that I’m not the cool person some people see me, but it was unintentional. A few months ago a dear friend of mine told me that I’m a notable person in the Iranian IT community. Really? How can I be? I don’t feel that I belong to any community at all! This is actually one of the main reasons that I feel lonely and even unworthy.
At the end of the day, I have enough. I’m already under too much pressure from myself to grow into an actual professional and I can’t tolerate mean words behind me from people who didn’t do a single thing for me. The problem just gets worse because a part of me actually agrees with them, and I can’t ignore this one, so I have decided to actually do something technically cool. It probably gets months or might fail at all (which proves that I’m an imposter), but we have to see.
So after all, I’m even more lonely. It helps me to fix the mental disorder I mentioned earlier (not the OCD, I have absolutely no idea what to do with this one), but unsurprisingly it has significant negative effects too…